I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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