he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
