I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
