Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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