We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
