Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
