i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
