come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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