I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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