Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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