i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
