I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
