someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
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I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
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I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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