Where are you?
In a non slutty way
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
