She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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