Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
