Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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