ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
