Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
