is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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