You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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