Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
