Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
