I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
