I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
