woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
