Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Randomize
