Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
