We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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