you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
