The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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