It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Sext me about skeletons
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
