We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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