I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
