Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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