I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
