I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
