I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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