No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
