Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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