this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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