so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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