I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
