So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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