I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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