so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
