shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
