The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
