some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
