I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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