Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
