It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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