Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
