I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
