Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
