Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Also, beer. Big fan.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
